In this article:
When Grief Has Nowhere to Go
Suppressed grief isn’t grief that goes away. It’s grief that gets trapped.You might never have been encouraged to speak about the loss. You may have felt pressure to return to normal, to go back to work, to act like you’re okay, to prepare for “trying again.” But your emotional body doesn’t work on family timelines. And when grief is forced to hide, it doesn’t disappear. It sinks deeper.
What It Can Do to Your Mind and Body
You might be performing your life perfectly, but suppressed grief always leaks out somewhere.- Anxiety or panic during pregnancy conversations
- Mood swings or numbness that feel disconnected from logic
- Avoiding mirrors, intimacy, or certain people without knowing why
- Random crying fits or bursts of anger at small triggers
- Pelvic tension, back stiffness, or constant fatigue
The body processes grief like trauma, and reproductive loss, especially when ignored, can mimic PTSD symptoms. You might have no memory of the ultrasound room, but you still avoid hospitals. You might smile through baby showers and then collapse when you’re alone. That’s not drama. That’s grief with no witness.
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Why Indian Women Often Can’t Mourn Out Loud
- “It was just a foetus”: There’s rarely space to name the baby, let alone grieve it.
- No cultural rituals for early loss: There’s no mourning period. No condolence visits. No clothes to change into.
- Family pressure to conceive again quickly: You’re often expected to fix your loss by replacing it.
- Spiritual silencing: You’re told it was “God’s will,” but nobody asks how your body or heart is coping.
- Medical dismissal: If it was an early miscarriage, many women aren’t even told the sex or cause.
All of this makes the grief seem illegitimate. And when something doesn’t feel legitimate, it’s harder to grieve, even privately.
What Might Suddenly Reopen the Wound
Suppressed grief isn’t gone. It’s just quiet until something wakes it up:- A relative asks, “How many children do you have?”
- You see a child the age your baby would’ve been
- Your period returns or disappears
- You get pregnant again
- You walk past the hospital where you lost them
- Someone says, “At least it happened early,” and your chest tightens
These are real reactions. They don’t mean you’re stuck. They mean your body still remembers what you weren’t allowed to speak.
How to Know If You're Carrying Suppressed Grief
There’s no blood test or scan that can prove what you’re holding in. But signs often include:- Avoiding any reminders of the loss
- Feeling emotionally “flat” or chronically overfunctional
- Over-reactivity to birth announcements or pregnancy content
- Guilt or shame, even when nothing was your fault
- Physical symptoms like jaw clenching, shallow breathing, pelvic tightness
Mental health professionals might not use the term “suppressed grief,” but they recognise patterns like Prolonged Grief Disorder or Perinatal PTSD, especially when grief wasn’t supported at the time of loss.
What Actually Helps When You’re Not Allowed to Grieve
You don’t need a diagnosis to begin healing. But you may need a different kind of space:- Perinatal trauma therapy: Look for someone trained in reproductive loss, not just general counselling.
- Journaling letters to the baby: You can name them, write to them, even if nobody else knew they existed.
- Body-led healing: Practices like trauma-informed yoga, somatic therapy, or grief massage help when words fall short.
- Creating your own ritual: Light a diya on the due date. Plant something. Save the ultrasound photo. You don’t need permission.
- Grief groups: Online or in person, shared stories can offer validation when your family doesn’t.
And most importantly: You’re allowed to say you lost a baby. Even if nobody else remembers.
You don’t need to explain why you still cry. Or why you didn’t name the baby, but still think of them. You don’t need to be further along, or less emotional, or “ready to try again.” What you need is a space where the grief is allowed to exist, because only then can it begin to move.
You’re not broken. You’re grieving. And that grief deserves air, not silence.
FAQs on Why Grief After Baby Loss Doesn’t Go Away
- How long does it take to “get over” a miscarriage or stillbirth?
There’s no fixed timeline. Grief can return in waves, years later. If you still feel it, that means it mattered. You don’t need to justify that. - Will this affect my next pregnancy?
Yes, if unprocessed. Fear, hypervigilance, and detachment can appear during a new pregnancy. That’s not a weakness. It’s a trauma response. - Do I need therapy if I feel numb but functional?
Yes, you might. Functionality doesn’t equal healing. Numbness is often a survival strategy. Therapy helps you reconnect safely. - What if my partner or family doesn’t think it’s a big deal?
It still is. You don’t need their validation to honour your loss. Seek support from people who understand, even if they’re not your relatives.