Will my child always long for their “real” mother more than me?

Children can love more than one important adult. Secure attachment is built with the caregivers who are consistently present, responsive, and loving, usually you.

Is it normal to feel jealous of the birth mother or surrogate?

Yes. Mixed feelings are understandable. Talking them through with a therapist or trusted friend can prevent them from turning into shame or silence.

Can I experience matrescence even if I’m not recognised as “Mummy” by everyone around me?

Absolutely. Matrescence is your internal and relational transformation into motherhood. The lack of recognition from others often makes support more important, not less.

Matrescence in Adoptive and Non-Biological Mothers

“I didn’t give birth, but I am a mother”

Becoming a mother through adoption, surrogacy, or as a non‑gestational parent in a same‑sex couple can be deeply joyful, and also complicated. You may have waited for years, navigated paperwork, finances, stigma, and loss. When your child finally arrives, you’re hit with sleepless nights, big responsibilities, and an identity shift that feels just as intense as any pregnancy.
This too is matrescence - the transition into motherhood - even if your body did not carry the baby.

Matrescence without pregnancy: different path, same transformation

Matrescence is about identity and role, not only biology. It includes:

Changing how you see yourself (“I am someone’s mother now”).
Shifting priorities and values.
Reorganising work, relationships, and daily life around caregiving.

Non‑biological mothers experience all of this, plus unique layers:

History of infertility or pregnancy loss.
Navigating adoption agencies, the legal system, or surrogacy arrangements.
Concerns about genetics, resemblance, or how others perceive your family.

Research on adoptive and surrogacy families shows that by early childhood, mother‑child relationships are generally warm and secure, and children’s psychological adjustment is within normal ranges when parenting is sensitive and open.

Common emotional themes

Legitimacy worries
You may think:

“Do I have the right to call myself a ‘real’ mother?”
“Will others see me as secondary to the birth mother or surrogate?”

These feelings are common and often reflect societal narratives, not reality. Evidence shows children in adoptive and surrogacy families form secure attachments to their rearing parents, who function as their primary attachment figures.

Mixed emotions
Joy about your child can coexist with:

Grief about infertility or missed pregnancy.
Anger at how hard the process was.
Fear about birth family contact, secrecy vs openness, or future questions.

Bonding and adjustment
Bonding may be instant, or it may feel gradual. Research indicates that children’s early adversity and parents’ warmth together shape behavioural outcomes over time.

Post‑adoption depression: real and treatable

Studies show that some adoptive parents experience post‑adoption depression, with patterns of depressive symptoms around placement that can resemble postpartum depression: low mood, exhaustion, irritability, guilt, and detachment.

Risk factors include:

High stress during the adoption process.
Perfectionism and high self‑expectations.
Lack of social support or societal validation.
Parenting children with complex needs or histories of trauma.

Even though there is no pregnancy, the impact on parents and children can sometimes be similar, and seeking professional help is just as important and effective.

Building secure attachment in adoptive and surrogacy families

Key ingredients are similar to any family:

Consistency: being reliably present for everyday care.
Sensitivity: noticing and responding to your child’s cues, including signs of fear or withdrawal.
Open communication: gradually sharing their story in an age‑appropriate, honest way.

Research finds that:

Warm, responsive parenting predicts better emotional and behavioural outcomes even in children adopted from difficult circumstances.
Communicative openness about adoption or surrogacy (not secrecy) is associated with better adjustment and relationship quality.

In India, where stigma around infertility, single parenthood, or same‑sex families can be significant, building a small circle of people who fully affirm your family is especially protective.

Practical support in the Indian context

Connect with adoption support groups (online or in‑person) where other parents share similar journeys.
Identify at least one paediatrician and one mental health professional who are adoption‑ and LGBTQ+‑informed, if relevant.
Plan how you will respond to intrusive questions (“Whose child is this?” “Who is the real mother?”) in ways that protect both your child and yourself.

Example responses:

“We are her parents, and that’s what matters.”
“Her story is private and we’ll share it with her in our own time.”

FAQs on Matrescence for Adoptive and Non‑Biological Mothers: Becoming a Mother Without Pregnancy

Will my child always long for their “real” mother more than me?
Children can love more than one important adult. Secure attachment is built with the caregivers who are consistently present, responsive, and loving, usually you.
Is it normal to feel jealous of the birth mother or surrogate?
Yes. Mixed feelings are understandable. Talking them through with a therapist or trusted friend can prevent them from turning into shame or silence.
Can I experience matrescence even if I’m not recognised as “Mummy” by everyone around me?
Absolutely. Matrescence is your internal and relational transformation into motherhood. The lack of recognition from others often makes support more important, not less.