In this article:
1. Recognising Patterns from Childhood
Many of the ways you react to your child come from habits you picked up early in life, often without realising it. From the moment you were a child, you watched how adults spoke, reacted, and handled feelings. Even when playing, children copy the tone and discipline they experienced. That’s why, even when you promise yourself not to, you might still find yourself saying harsh things.2. Building Awareness Through Questions
Self-questioning is the first step toward real change. Pay attention to the behaviours you want to change and why they matter to you. Often, words or reactions that feel harsh come from a place of wanting to help, not hurt.Take a close look at your triggers. Why do I respond this way to my child? Did something they did trigger a memory of how I was treated growing up?
Understanding the deeper reason behind your reaction helps you respond in a thoughtful way instead of repeating old patterns.
3. Embracing Uncomfortable Emotions
It's possible that old patterns, memories, or fears about parenting may arise from time to time. But healing begins when you allow yourself to fully feel these emotions instead of pushing them away. Notice them without judging yourself. Reflect on why they arise and what they are teaching you.It’s through facing these feelings that you break cycles and create a parenting style that truly reflects the care and values you want to pass on.
4. Practising Self-Compassion Daily
Being kind to yourself can really soften your heart and ease feelings of shame. A lot of people struggle with this, especially if, as a child, their emotions were ignored or dismissed. That kind of experience can make you push your feelings aside, judge yourself harshly, or chase perfection. It can feel like progress is slow, but every small step is worth it.Connecting with people who really listen can help a lot. Sharing what’s on your mind in a safe space gives your heart some relief.
You can also bring this kindness to yourself every day with small practices:
- Take slow, deep breaths. Focus on letting go of tension with each exhale.
- Shift your attention to things that feel soothing.
- Spend time on activities that fill you up, like meditation, journaling, yoga, walking, listening to music, or anything you love.
5. Healing Without Parental Approval
Many people get stuck waiting for their parents’ approval to heal. This often comes from childhood, where love felt conditional. You probably had to be agreeable, quiet, or “easy” to get attention. People-pleasing helped them survive back then, but it often leaves adults feeling small or unsure of themselves. In chaotic homes, children often learn to ignore their own boundaries just to keep the peace.Breaking this cycle means choosing comfort over fear of rejection. It means grieving the family you wished you had while protecting the one you are raising. Resistance can show up as guilt or hearing things like “You’ve changed” or “You’re too sensitive.” Families often cling to old patterns, even if they hurt.
Healing doesn’t need their validation. You can:
- Accept your parents’ limits without excusing harm. They did what they could, but it may not have been enough.
- Let go of fantasies about apologies or perfect reunions.
- Base your choices on your own values, not old expectations.
6. Standing Against the Inner Critic
Your inner critic can be loud, especially when you’re parenting. It might tell you things like, “You don’t know what you’re doing” or “You’re failing.” These thoughts often come from childhood, where constant correction made you feel incompetent.Start by noticing them. Ask yourself: What is this self-talk saying? Where does it come from? Then respond kindly, even if the thought is harsh. For example, if you think, “You are a terrible mother,” answer with compassion: “I am learning, and I care. These thoughts don’t define me.” This helps you separate yourself from the critic and resist repeating old patterns.
7. Setting Boundaries and Grieving
Boundaries keep you safe and protect your well-being. Saying something like, “I’m not okay with yelling, so let’s talk calmly,” is firm but still warm. Letting go of old survival habits can be hard, but it's important to work on them.Learning new ways of parenting while letting go of old habits can be tough, especially when you’re trying to stay calm without yelling or punishing. However, change doesn’t happen overnight. Little by little, you can break old patterns and start afresh!
Whether you’re pregnant, a new mom, or navigating postpartum, you don’t have to do it alone. Join our support group to connect, share, and support one another.
FAQs on Choosing Not to Parent Like Your Parents: A Healing Journey
- Why do I feel guilty when I set healthier boundaries as a parent?
Guilt shows up because your brain is used to old family patterns where boundaries were not common. - Why do I get overwhelmed when my child cries or argues?
Your brain reacts fast to loud emotions because it links them with past conflict. This sets off your stress response, which makes your body feel tense and overwhelmed.
